Dear Athena
by Lyrei
Summary: Dear Athena, please come and rescue me. Dances and Grendel are holding me hostage in my own room, they're forcing me to write a letter, and they have an obsession with hitting me! Your most loyal, humble servant, Dark Lord. P.S: I'm not a servant. Fluff.
1. It hurts, and it's still hurting!

Dear Athena,

How are you? How's the weather? How's the dog? I think you have a dog. Do you have a dog? I'm not sure. I really want to know. In fact, I'm going to find out now. Give me a couple of minutes- I need to rush a bit before they wake up.

Back. If you've been wondering why I ran to Henesys, grabbed your Lieutenant Corporal and asked him whether you had a dog, you know the reason why. The six burnt-out taxis was completely not my fault, I swear. They were in the way. What's the matter with people nowadays? They just can't seem to get out of your way!

But anyway, the taxis did not melt in vain! I have found out that you do not, in fact, have a dog. And that is a satisfying answer. I hate dogs. They always bark when I come near them. I really don't know why. I don't openly provoke them. Except maybe by chucking stones at them. Which is a perfectly reasonable response to them growling at me. They started it, Athena!

I don't see how they could possibly hate me.

So… uh. How are you? If you see any blood on this letter, blame Dances. He's woken up and he keeps whacking me on the head with his spear every time I-

Ow. That hurt, Dances. And it's still _hurting. _Athena, please hunt him down after my funeral. That man is a menace to society!

_Ow. _You've made you point, Dances. _Quit hitting me. _Never anger dangerous warrior chieftains, 'Thena. Might be the last thing you ever do...

In case you're wondering why Dances is here, hitting me with his heavy, dangerous, _pointy _spear, I want to add that Grendel is here too. To be honest with you, I don't know why they're here. I mean, I can write a letter perfectly well without them standing over me like creepy old bodyguards.

_OW. _On second thoughts Athena, promise me that you won't _ever _get Grendel angry. It hurts. Really bad. And he's not healing me.

With a delicate prod from Dances, I continue writing this letter. You might be wondering why on earth I'm scribbling away on a scrap of paper. It's, well, because…

You know that kind of, uh, _feeling _you feel with people of the opposite gender?

Actually, it can be of the same gender if you swing that way. If you know what I mean. Really, it's fine with me. I have no problem at all with tha-

_Ouch. _I am never talking to either of you ever again. Don't show your faces 'round town anymore, 'cause I'm not covering for you when you get beaten up by my bartender.

Ow.

Let's get another example…

You know when Grendel started, um, like, uh. _Liking _you that wasn't in the way of me liking chocolate? I don't like chocolate that much, actually. But we're _ow _going off-topic again, and that seems to make Grendel hit me. Dances is currently messing around in my room, and I'm scared he'll set off one of my booby traps which will kill us all. There, he's stopped messing around now.

Back to the subject. When Grendel started liking you, I, uh. Felt kind of weird about the whole thing. I mean, yeah, he didn't look old back then but still! It was weird. And you know all those things I did to annoy you…. Which _could have _included being involved in the Fire of Ellinia, but I'm innocent until proven guilty, I'm not sure why I did them.

I actually _actively planned _on doing something for once.

Athena, you have a negative effect on me _ow. _

What d'you know? Turns out saying bad stuff gets me a whack too. Y'know after Grendel stopped, um, _feeling that weird way _for you, I relaxed. It was as if I was holding my breath while he was _feeling that weird way for you _and now that he didn't feel that way anymore, I could breathe again.

I felt like an overprotective big brother. But that would be Dances. Scania knows, he's mean enough. So if I wasn't an overprotective big brother, then what the hell am I?

Then Grendel told me that I was feeling _jealous_. Why I would feel _jealous _of Grendel beats me. He doesn't have that much to be jealous of. But I had to listen to him or else he would hurt me.

The last time he hurt me, I saw Scania and discussed nuclear physics with Him.

What I mean to say is…

Athena.

Um.

I like you a _lot. _

Not in the I-like-chocolate way, I _don't _like chocolate, at least I think I don't, but in a different way. Like the way Grendel used to like you and thank _Scania _he doesn't now otherwise I would _hurt _him.

He can meet Bera and discuss translating the _Libellus Deus, _Book of the Gods, into something more politically correct.

There.

I've said it.

So…um… Athena?

Uh.

I don't know how to say this.

Quoted from _'The romance of Lady Windia and Lord Scania', _would you care to have a tryst with me?

_I hate you Grendel. _Yes he hit me again. And yes it _hurts. _But Athena...

Will you go out with me?

I don't know whether to write 'love' or 'from' here, because Grendel has fallen asleep and Dances activated one of my booby traps. He's now lying down on my carpet. I actually like that carpet, and he's _drooling _on it.

I don't blame Grendel for falling asleep- I do, but that's not the point, 'cause we've been at this since yesterday morning. And now it's… 17 minutes past Midnight.

So…

Uh.

I remain your most loyal and humble servant,

Forrest Dark

P.S: I really didn't know what to put, so I just put in one of the things from the sample letters Grendel brought for me.

P.S.S: I'm not your most loyal and humble servant. That'd be Grendel.

P.S.S.S: Just because my stupid bratty students can't call me anything but 'Dark Lord' doesn't mean I don't have a name. I have a perfectly nice name, and I like to use it instead of some flimsy, stupid title of 'Dark Lord'. Plus it'd be weird for you to call me the 'Dark Lord'. You never do that, do you? Why?

P.S.S.S.S: I haven't eaten since yesterday morning. Can you send someone over? (I think it would be better if you didn't send you Lieutenant Corporal.) With food?


	2. No

Dear Forrest,

No.

I'm too busy repairing the damage you managed to do in the five minutes you were in Henesys. Below is a list of all the damage you've managed to cause, and I expect a sum of money deposited in the Forest Guardian Bank by tomorrow morning, or I'm leaving you with Grendel and Dances.

List of things you have managed to damage, break, set fire to and completely obliterate:

6 Taxis, completely unable to be salvaged.  
A small section of Henesys Hunting Ground I  
A native Henesysian oak tree.  
A fruit stall  
26 oranges  
39 apples  
Around 29 laws  
A plastic sign which says 'No running zone'  
Chief Stan  
My Lieutenant Corporal  
My door  
My _house  
_The head of Henesys Council's grandson  
And I'm safe to assume that you were responsible for the Fires of Ellinia. So-  
Ellinia.

Reparation fees: 103,983,217 mesos, tax inclusive.

Don't whine at me- You have twice as much money as God.

From Athena.

P.S: Deliver it in person, then knock on my _brand new door _to my _brand new house _to the tune of 'Scania and his yellow polka-dot boxers'.

P.S.S: If, and only _if _we go on a date, we're going to Orbis- not _anywhere _near Victoria, and you are going to knock Dances and Grendel unconscious and tie them up beforehand.

P.S.S.S: We need to get you letter writing courses. Stop making your poor students do your paperwork!


End file.
